Hold It Together

A vent. Nothing real cheery.


Most nights, when Matt is working late, I get the kids fed, into an early bath, and then into bed shortly after 7:00. "Seven!?" many ask. Yes, that alarming time is good for all of us! First, I don't feel terrible about giving the kids extra time to rest - Paige and Tyler are both out cold within minutes. Second, it is for my sanity - I can't hold it together any longer. That's all I've got. Twelve+ hours flying solo is too long of a stretch for me.

Such an extended solo stretch hit me hard tonight. Ty's birthday. Sure, at two Ty doesn't know any differences between a regular day and a birthday. But, the rest of the house knew it was a "different" day. As 2:00 rolled around, the clock was moving extremely slow and I wondered how I could fill the remaining hours until Matt came home. 5:00 rolled around. No Matt. A phone call to him confirmed that, no, he wouldn't make it home by the planned 6:30 "party." Two more phone calls to grandparents pushed things back. Surely 7:30 would give him the time to make it down the freeway and watch candles blown out. Fingers crossed. A 7:15 phone call to him revealed that no, he wouldn't be there. Really?!! You're really going to miss his birthday? I'd be flying solo. Still.

Tho not really solo. There was a party to host. Quite possibly the last thing I wanted to smile for. Ten minutes 'til the doorbell would ring and I was in tears. A back corner of the bedroom. Away from cake-craving children. Halfway through a "help me hold it together" prayer, a loud exclamation comes from the front room, "Grandma's here...Dad's Mom." In-laws first. Deep breathe. Tissue hidden. Here goes. Heaven help me not cry. Heaven help me look excited about the gifts given to my child. Heaven help me not have to reexplain why Matt's not here as I cut into the cake he won't taste... Hold it together, Sarah.

Thankfully the "party" went fine. Needed clothes and new toys. Those always serve as a good distraction. The unexpected arrival of my sister and her family. Added voices always help divert attention. So, I tried to keep things rolling. Camera clicked. Paper was cleared. Cake was sliced. Tears avoided.

And now the house is quiet again. Bedtime, pushed back to 8:45, was quick. Tho not entirely painless for all. Tyler and Paige were down and out quickly, as expected. But Meg, semi-unexpectedly threw a huge fit. She wondered if they'd continue waiting up for Dad. When the answer was no, tears were unleashed. She realized that in fact he had missed the entire birthDAY. Her question as she fell to her pillow, "Why does he even have to have work?" Ah... Isn't that the exact reasoning behind the job-switch just weeks before? Isn't missing an important family function like tonight exactly what we were aiming to avoid? Why do I again find myself in a position of explaining that, "No, work is not more important than you..." I had no answer for Meg, and instead cried along with Meg. Which was crazy to Paige, who, as I moved to her bed to tuck her in said, "your eyes are going red." Thanks, Paige! Hold it together, Sarah. Hold it together until you leave their room.

Now, recognizing the devil's advocate points that I've faced before: I KNOW that gone is the last place Matt wants to be. I KNOW he is working because he needs to work. I KNOW that I sound thankless to the countless unemployed. I KNOW that I sound pitiful to the many with spouses deployed. I KNOW I hold nothing to my high school peer that already stands widowed. I KNOW he was there for Meg's concert yesterday - I should dwell on that goodness instead. I KNOW that Matt is likely more present and fun-loving when he is here than I, in fact tomorrow is (thank-heavens) a Saturday that will include a late breakfast with the kids clamoring around Matt. He is certainly doing an amazing job as a Dad. This is in NO WAY putting his efforts down. And, I KNOW that we are given no more than we can handle...

BUT, I'm exhausted. I'm tired of feeling like I am flying solo here (and in the prep work required to make it to church, and in the aisles of the grocery store, and in the juggling to school and dance and doctors...). It is lonely. And, having to constantly be on toes to teach these children right is overwhelming. Holding it together is not for the weak.

These kids, that are growing up too quickly, need a mom who can hold it all together for them!
Ah.
I need another piece of cake...and perhaps the rest of the chocolate ice cream.



No, this most likely won't be added to the black and white blog book printed at the end of the year. While it'd serve as a "mothering-is-no-easy-thing" example, their Mom's rant need not overshadow the cute picture of Tyler hovering over two lit flames (GREAT celebrating pictures will be put on tomorrow). But, tonight is what it is. A rough patch. Tho, can it be called a "patch" if there is no end in sight?